The seminar and meditation has brought past feelings to the surface, which I had to face head-on. It was the most uncomfortable feeling, recalling the events, but nobody is to blame.
Finally, I am enlightened when I discovered that I was wounded as a child, with the feeling of rejection from my mother, followed by a sense of disapproval from my classmates (3rd grade for a school project). All these things made me feel that I was unwanted by my own mother and peers. Hence, it made me feel that I will only be loved when I am good- do and achieve good things (i.e. honors, good grades, obedience). Moreover, I had to conform, compromise people to love me, done reluctantly to avoid conflict, and I lost myself in the process and derailed my goals in the process. When I was younger, I was taught to think of others first, but deep inside me, what about what I want? Am I not an individual? Will I be loved in spite of bad grades?
Apparently, the times I exhibited bad grades and/or bad behaviour was a desperate cry for attention. Yes, I did get the attention and I punished my parents and my ex-colleagues, by exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior.
Fast forward to now, I am 27 years old, and in my 1st (and hopefully the last) relationship. I want to be a better person who is willing to put work, courage and patience in my career and relationships, to face them head-on when difficulties and boredom arise, to give myself fully. Hence, I need to work on my issues, my woundedness, to be aware of the triggers, like bursting out when I don't understand my emotions.
Hence, I need to assert myself, my need and occasional wants without fading in the shadows. I know that I am loved and valued by my partner for who I am and will be. Hopefully I can apply this at work as well, that I am a valuable member of the team and should assert myself, and not just defer because I am a newbie and fairly junior staff.
