Thursday 14 June 2012

HESL Day 2: Enlightenment



Today, things have made sense. Enlightenment is reached when we have found the source of our woundedness. In our own way, we treat this woundedness by masking our feelings and pleasing others, which we have unconsciously brought to our present. Oh! How wrong am I!


The seminar and meditation has brought past feelings to the surface, which I had to face head-on. It was the most uncomfortable feeling, recalling the events, but nobody is to blame.
Finally, I am enlightened when I discovered that I was wounded as a child, with the feeling of rejection from my mother, followed by a sense of disapproval from my classmates (3rd grade for a school project). All these things made me feel that I was unwanted by my own mother and peers. Hence, it made me feel that I will only be loved when I am good- do and achieve good things (i.e. honors, good grades, obedience). Moreover, I had to conform, compromise people to love me, done reluctantly to avoid conflict, and I lost myself in the process and derailed my goals in the process. When I was younger, I was taught to think of others first, but deep inside me, what about what I want? Am I not an individual? Will I be loved in spite of bad grades? 
Apparently, the times I exhibited bad grades and/or bad behaviour was a desperate cry for attention. Yes, I did get the attention and I punished my parents and my ex-colleagues, by exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior.

Fast forward to now, I am 27 years old, and in my 1st (and hopefully the last) relationship. I want to be a better person who is willing to put work, courage and patience in my career and relationships, to face them head-on when difficulties and boredom arise, to give myself fully. Hence, I need to work on my issues, my woundedness, to be aware of the triggers, like bursting  out when I don't understand my emotions.

Hence, I need to assert myself, my need and occasional wants without fading in the shadows. I know that I am loved and valued by my partner for who I am and will be. Hopefully I can apply this at work as well, that I am a valuable member of the team and should assert myself, and not just defer because I am a newbie and fairly junior staff.

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